The bronchitis came back again and I lay in bed feeling very unmagickal but resigned to feeling ill — which slipped into surrender and another kind of awakening into vulnerability and trust. Sometimes it works like that.
At the weekendI got up to watch the moon setting just before dawn, a full moon in Sagittarius, golden and fierce as the sun. A moon of warnings and blessings.
My computer collapsed and has been replaced with a cheap and nasty model. I had to cancel a major project.
But I did see that great yellow Sagittarius moon going down as the sun rose in the east.
Did a small bathing, cleansing, soaking ritual last night like a sleek soapy dolphin. Ritual changes us. That is why I do it and I always forget that the power in ritual can be truly Other and astonishing.
The ex-lover sometimes known as friend writes and tells me his Welsh cottage garden is dazzling with colour and full of bees and seems to have survived his predations as well as the harsh winter. The garden I created last summer. For some reason this hurts me horribly and I just go out and look at my own drought-blasted African patch of earth and want to cry. I can taste failure like acid some days. But I surrender it all again and wait for the transmutation.
The winter, brilliant and rainless and withering, is almost upon us. All through this winter I am going to take art classes with three other women, painting with soft bright acrylics on stretched canvases in a studio that lets in the hot golden light of the Cape, a light that you would swear was coastal and reflected off the ocean, a glittering and mercurial light that calls for Mediterranean blues and purples and sub-aqueous greens . As we paint we shall listen to Callas singing and share the inspiration around. And then I have have Large Bad Paintings to brighten my living room and study.
Through this time of illness and slow healing, interminably slow, I am entering the Goddess, shifting within, picking up ballast and raising the anchor. Journeys have begun less auspiciously. The mermaids are singing for those who have the soul to hear them.
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